Loss Of A Father

My father died a year ago today.

I still remember the day. It was two days to a major public holiday in Singapore and I was looking forward to it. I thought I could chill out from all the stress I was experiencing. I received a call from a relative overseas who was visiting my father in hospital there while I was at work. He said "I am sorry to tell you that your father is no more. He passed away about 15 minutes ago". At that instant, something inside of me died as well. Reality, as I knew it, was altered beyond recognition. I became an "orphan" without a father to turn to for advice or a mother for comfort. She died 10 years before. The feeling of lonliness was overwhelming. I rushed home to be with my wife because the emptiness was consuming me very quickly.

People tell me that time heals all wounds. People don't really know what they're talking about, do they? To me, it still feels like I lost him yesterday and although only one year has passed, it feels like 20 years has gone by. I sometimes wonder how I am to carry on life with this severe dent in my heart.

Fate can be so cruel. My father died in January and his Grandson was born in July. They missed each other by 6 months and 2 days. I never realised it till now but my Grandfather (my Mum's father) and I suffered a similar miss. He died in May and I was born in October the same year. My father would have loved to have met his Grandson and I'm willing to wager everything I have that nothing in his life would have topped his happiness. I still remember how he tried to contain his excitement when I first told him over the phone that we were expecting a baby. As always, he would not betray his cool and calm exterior but he failed miserably in trying to mask the excitement in his voice. And three days later, I received word that he suffered a severe stroke, never to regain consciousness again. As I said, fate can be cruel.

Everyone talks about lonliness. But you never truly experience lonliness until you realise that you no longer have anyone to speak for you or defend you in life. It is a frightening path when you know you have to go it alone without any parental advice - no matter how old you are. It becomes worse when this is thrust upon you unexpectedly. And as I embarked into fatherhood still aching from the loss of my own father, I constantly ask my dad in prayer to guide me along the right path in life, to give me the strength to be a good husband and father and to be able to teach my son right from wrong so that he will grow up to be a respectable and honourable man - a man exactly like my son's Grandfather.

One year on, I've learnt the pain of his passing will never cease or diminish. But I hope that my father has found peace after struggling a great deal in life. Although I have not been the best of sons, I loved my father more than he ever knew and him not knowing will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Mike And The Mechanics' "The Living Years" has new meaning for me. A part of this song that makes my heart ache goes :

I wasn't there that morning
When my father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say.
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him
In the living years

Till the time comes for me to see my father again, he will be sorrowfully missed.