Burning Bridges

Lately, I've been burning bridges. No, I've not given up my day job to become an arsonist.

In the recent years, I've come to realise that family is over-rated. I've come to realise that the people who I've grown up with and trusted with my life have their own agendas and they'll happily sacrifice me for them. I've come to realise that while I have gone out of my way to help my family throughout the years, they've treated me as an inconvenience they have to live with. As a relative put it to me a few days before my mother passed away, some twelve years ago at the waiting area of a hospital's emergency unit where my mother was taken to, "I am not sure what our relationship will be if your mother is no longer around". I think that said it all.

To be an integral member of the family, the laws are as follows. Please note that the term "elders" has no reference to people of wisdom or integrity - just older people in a family.

(1) You must not and cannot have an opinion of your own. If you chose to have an opinion, especially one that goes against an "elder", you stand alone. Only nephews and neices who are willing to sacrifice their spines and agree to whatever is dished out by the "elders" are valued.

(2) Be humble and realise that someone else's problem is always bigger than yours. If you say you're facing difficulty, someone else in the family is facing an even more difficult situation than you are - for sure. If you're having a headache, someone else has a migrane. If you have a migrane, someone else will have a brain tumor. The same goes for flu, cough, joint pain or any other ailment.

(3) Learn to drop as many names as possible. "I know xxxxx" where xxxxx is the name of a celebrity / politician / journalist / famous doctor /etc. Whoever knows the most people in these categories or is higher up in the social heirarchy carries the most weight. A variant of Rule (2) applies. Eg. "I know Tom Cruise." Response? "Really? I know Nicole Kidman." or "I know Tom Cruise's father." Tip : You don't really have to know them. Just say you do.

(4) Be prepared to take sides when the "elders" quarrel. If A and B quarrel and you take a neutral stand when approached by A, then you're deemed to be on B's side. The reverse is most certainly true. So pick a side or one will automatically be assigned for you against your will.

(5) A backstabs B. B comes to C for sympathy. B later forgives A under the now infamous "I forgive everyone" / "I am holier than thou" policy. When A backstabs C and C goes to B for sympathy, B will get "A would never do that". Forgivness and amnesia - the perfect combination.

(6) If something bad happens to A, A will say he / she is cursed or given the evil eye. If something bad happens to B and you ask A if B is the victim of a curse, A will say that there is no such thing as being cursed.

(7) Law (6) does not apply if A and B are closely related, eg. parent (A) and child (B) or husband (A) and wife (B). In this case, if B is doing well, A will say it is because of hard work, intelligence, etc. If B fails in life, A will declare it the work of the evil eye.

(8) When confronted head on with unfavourable glaring facts, the normal and expected response is "I'm very sick", "I'm dying" or "I'll kill myself". You couldn't squeeze more drama out of a Steven Speilberg, George Lucas, Quentin Tarantino, John Woo and Jerry Bruckheimer joint-collaboration movie.

(9) "Don't tell anyone I told you" or "Just between you and me" are common phrases used to indicate that something is told to you in confidence. It'll make you feel special like you're the only one that can be trusted with this information. Little do you know that you're the last to hear about it.

(10) If you're ill and / or hospitalised, the heroic and selfless thing to do is not to tell anyone except immediate family. This will eventually result in a "Just between you and me" call a day later. See Law (9) for more information.

(11) You have to acknowledge that dreams are the way our dearly departed communicate and convey messages to the family. The family has a number of official conduits but oddly, the message received through different conduits from the same departed differ vastly on the same issue. I guess all that Heaven-Earth travelling can take a toll on a departed's opinion.

(12) If you are not officially ("officially" being the operative word) invited to a family event / celebration, that is if you've been informed about it personally but no invitation card has been given to you or the red carpet has not been rolled out for you, kick up the biggest fuss in the history of mankind to make your point and then threaten never to be part of any family celebration even if the red carpet was rolled out for you in future. No family event or celebration is complete without a huge blow up.

All these years, I tried my best to deal with these family laws. But alas, I've come to realise that I am unable to meet their extremely high standards. And while it pains me to have to distance myself from them, I am left with no choice - for the sake of my peace of mind and sanity. Life is hard enough without having to adhere to the 12 laws.

So, bridges have sadly been burnt. Better I burn them now while I am safely on the other side instead of the bridge being burnt while I'm on it.